Line 15 (out-of-tune emo in the bathroom version)

by Ani Ces

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"how do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?"

--doc luben, 14 lines from love letters or suicide notes

lyrics

I'm a psych patient at my university because they like to cover their asses. and I tell my doctor that I've been doing well when I haven't been showing up for classes. and I don't know what to say when my parents ask if I'm getting what we paid for. I pray to anyone that they don't.

I met someone when I was over there. he made me wish that I was right back here. he's not why I can't write more than two whole pages, double spaced, but he's much nicer to think of than my, quote, "disabling" fears.

we seem to melt into each other every goddamn time we touch, and I can't get that thought out of my head. and there were some things only we could know, but that was just a year ago as if, somehow, we both knew that the world would end.

and I hope that he still thinks of me--stupid, and pathetically--but I'm much more fine with that than this, quote, "disability."

and my doctor says I hate myself and my parents say I hate myself. maybe I hate myself, too. is that why I can't do the things I said I've always wanted to? is there the slightest chance it's in my best interest?

I've got white noise on at full blast--the only frequency that I can stomach--and I pace until I fall asleep, and then I wake up running.

and then it did.

credits

released April 2, 2021
written and performed by Vic Garces, in their father's bathtub, following a very traumatic March.

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Ani Ces San Antonio, Texas

Queer, Chicanx south central Texas singer-songwriter Vic Garces combines a passion for poetry, melancholy, and rock music alone, in a closet, with an acoustic guitar that doesn't entirely belong to them. You might know them from Other Plans.Or from the paintings. ... more

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